Who M I

How to Torture Your Teacher

Student 1:

Only raise your hand when
you want to sharpen your pencil
or go to the bathroom.
Repeat every ten minutes.

Student 2:

Never raise your hand
when you want to answer a question;
instead, yell, “Oooh! Oooh! Oooh!”
and then, when the teacher calls on you,
say, “I forgot what I was going to say.”

Student 3:

Lean your chair back,
take off your shoes, and
put your feet up on your desk.
Act surprised when the teacher
puts all four legs of your chair back on the floor.

Student 4:

Drop the eraser end of your pencil
on your desk.
See how high it will bounce.

Student 5:

Drop your books on the floor.
See how loud a noise you can make.

Student 6:

Hum.
Get all your friends to join in.

Student 7:

Hold your nose,
make a face, and say, “P.U.!”
Fan the air away from your face,
and point to the kid in front of you.

Student 8:

On the last day of school,
lead your classmates in chanting:

“No more pencils!
No more books!
No more teachers’
dirty looks!”

Student 9:

Then, on your way out
the door, tell the teacher,
“Bet you’re looking forward
to summer vacation this year.
But I’ll sure miss you.
You’re the best teacher
I’ve ever had.”

The End

© 1997 by Bruce Lansky.

Puns for Educated Minds

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Add this item to your beach bag. Baby powder gets sand off your skin easily – who knew?!.

People Peeing in Public

Peep Show

Mark Corrigan: If you really cant hold it in, then youll just have
to… piss yourself.
Jeremy Osborne: Youre telling me to piss myself?
Mark Corrigan: Yes, if youve got to go, piss yourself.
Jeremy Osborne: Is this what its come to?
Mark Corrigan: Yes – and do it quietly.
Jeremy Osborne: Great. And what shall I do after Ive pissed myself?
Fuck myself? Eat myself? Youre such a…
Mark Corrigan: Are you doing it already?
Jeremy Osborne: Yes, Im doing it already! Im so pathetic that as
soon as you ordered me to piss myself, I started the procedure.
This is what youve done: youve ground down my sense of self worth
over the years – I hope youre proud!
Mark Corrigan: When are you going to stop?
Jeremy Osborne: Not for a bit…

A man was sick and tired
of going to work every day
while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went
through so he prayed:
‘Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put
in 8 hours while my wife
merely stays at home.
I want her to know what
I go through.
So, please allow her body to
switch with mine for a day.
‘

God, in his infinite wisdom,
granted the man’s wish.
The next morning, sure enough,
the man awoke as a woman…
He arose, cooked breakfast
for his mate,
Awakened the kids,

Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked
up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank
to make a deposit,

Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put
away the groceries,

Paid the bills and balanced
the check book.
He cleaned the cat’s litter box
and bathed the dog..
Then, it was already 1 P..M.
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,
Dust, And sweep and mop
the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up
the kids and got into an argument
with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and
got the kids organized to do
their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board
and watched TV while he
did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling
potatoes and washing
vegetables for salad,
breaded the pork chops
and snapped
fresh beans for supper.

After supper,
He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids, And put
them to bed.
At 9 P.M. He was exhausted
and, though his daily chores
weren’t finished, he went to
bed where he was expected to
make love, which he managed
to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke
and immediately knelt by the
bed and said: -
Lord, I don’t know what
I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my
wife’s being able to stay
home all day.
Please, Oh! Please,
let us trade back.. Amen!’
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

‘My son, I feel you have
learned your lesson and
I will be happy to change
things back to the way
they were.
You’ll just have to wait
nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night.’

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